My Journey from Appraised Value to Declared Worth

Journey from appraised value to declared worth: Overcoming abandonment in relation to childhood sexual abuse

According to the Mayo Clinic Libraries, the value placed on the basic elements in the human body is $4.50. When I was younger, my brother “appraised my value” as much less! Repeatedly, he told me, “If Daddy had a quarter, you wouldn’t have been born!” Apparently, my dad could have bought a condom for 25¢ back then, and my brother enjoyed sharing that I was “a mistake” that could have been prevented with a quarter.

Even if I didn’t accept his appraisal outright, it was easy for me to own the basic premise. After all, how much could a little girl possibly be worth when she is used for someone’s sexual gratification without consideration for her well-being, thoughts, feelings, or future? Continue reading

My “god” had No Arms!

My god had No Arms: Overcoming a distorted image of God resulting from sexual abuse

As a prayer counselor prayed with me after my mother’s death, I remember how shocked I was to hear myself exclaim, “My god had no arms!” It came in response to a childhood memory of my mom accidentally scalding me as she washed my hair. Such words would normally never come from my lips, but obviously, the child in me felt unprotected. There were other times the god I thought I knew seemed to have failed me as well, like when I awoke at night to find someone standing over my bed touching me in ways that no preschooler should experience.  And of course, what does that little girl think when she hears a mumbled death threat not to tell anyone? Where is God in such circumstances? Continue reading